i need a break badly, as i am showing loser symptoms.

i prolly wont be able to get time off for the next one month cos of the new staffs coming in.

i cant wait to leave.

even for a short while..

today was filled with spins, ice choc and shopping. AND i feel the need to defend myself.. yes, im currently living in my own world, which i'm very comfortable with,thank u very much.

BUT i really didnt think this wld happen to me.. i AM happy. VERY happy to be exact. The other day, i wrote a list of the things im thankful for.

its not a very long list, but i believe its quite alot. and of cos Family tops it all. They're the reason that im alive. truth be told, i suffer from slight depression, if theres even such a thing.

i think about killing myself sometimes.

u noe when u suddenly feel that everything's gg wrong and nth's gg ur way.. its a sucky phase.. everybody handles it differently.. some blame others, some blame themselves.

i blame myself ALL THE TIME. wat a rotten ass person i am. afew weeks ago, it hit me again. in the shower. so when i was done, i imagine myself "accidently" slipping and hitting my head on the toilet bowl DEn slip into coma for bout 3months or so. and let everybody cry about it while i happily lay there stress-free listening to the regular beeps coming from the heart rate monitor.

but then it occurred to me.. wat if it did happen, and it dosent really go the way i want it to.. wat if im not happy lying there and stressed cos i wanna be able to stand again. worse of all... wat if no one's crying.

the last point got me for abit. cos i think im nt a very nice person. firstly, i dun say wat i mean.. so ppl misunderstand me all the time. secondly, i dun show my feelings = ppl think i dun care. and i swear, i noe ppl hate me.

so i kinda steadied myself, got dressed and walked out the door.

back to the depression part, its nt the only thing i suffer from. I somehow think i suffer from retrograde amnesia.

its when u forget things before a certain time.

u noe why i chose daisies? cos theyre a summer flower and cant survive in cold weathers.. but when they're in an environment whr they cant survive, they go into sleep/hibernation mode.

which is wat i do. i ignore problems instead of fighting my way through or find a solution. my strategy is to force myself to forget stuff that i dun wanna rmb.

i make myself forget things so i dun have to deal with them. hoping they'll go away, but in actual fact they dun. so i just force myself to forget them. but some how or rather i cant choose wat to forget or rmb anymore. so i cant really rmb stuff.

anyway i think i wrote too much in this post. i'll prolly delete it when i'm in a better state of mind.

bottom line: I AM NOT A LOSER.

sigh. who am i kidding....

so.. are u happy now?