i'm so damn bloody scared

the course and everything.. paid the first payment of $2225.60 the other day.. another 6 more to go.. gosh.

i almost backed out that night. cold feet i guess.

but since i've alr decided, i'm gonna throw my life in and focus.. this is too m**her-f**king much to play a fool with..

=S

PVD @ Zouk last night. music was GREAT. crowd wasnt too bad. love.



will post more pics from last night.

Felicia's 21st on Sat. ben & co. came to pick me up right after work den headed to her chalet over at downtown east.



they had to squat to accomodate me.



so it was my turn to tip-toes..



blog more later. tata.

"Make them wonder why you're still smiling."
-Elizabethtown

Today, i realised how silly i was.

to be bothered and stressed out by these little irrelevant things that wouldn't make much of a difference in my life, and its just a phase which i'll eventually get over.

i've got bigger things to worry about.

my future.

my life.

me.

i gotta decide once and for all if i really want it. its pretty much decided though.. i'm just a little scared, a little nervous, a little excited; but all in a gd way.

its nt something i cld give up halfway.. neither would i want to.

a fren suggested to write down the pros and cons.. a few days ago, i couldn't come up with any cons.

mel failed her fast-track for the 2nd time. she was Batch 20's Distinction and Outstanding Student. which makes her a double award student, out of the past 20 batches, she was the 5th to get it. Not all batch has a Distinction student.

even somebody of her caliber cant pass.. which makes me realise, life isnt as smooth sailing as it seems.

i was talking to her this afternoon at work and she told me all the problems she went through.. hoping i would get a better idea of wat i'm getting myself into..

i gotta work extra hard and prove ppl wrong.. even if its gg back to the salon on Sats to gain more experience and coming back on model nights.

which brings me to another question,



am i doing it for me?

well, i guess this is it.

my new favorite movie




Elizabethtown

i think its bcos i could relate to it.. and how amazing the character "Claire" is.

"After he causes his Oregon shoe company he works for to lose a large sum of money and then gets dumped by his girlfriend, Drew (Bloom) is on the verge of suicide. However, he is given a new lease in life when he returns to his small Kentucky hometown of Elizabethtown where he goes to make sure his father's dying wishes are fulfilled. On the way home, Drew meets flight attendant Claire Colburn (Dunst), whom he falls in love with in a relationship that helps get his life back on track."

i guess we're all waiting to be saved at some point.

did i mention that i dun believe in love anymore?

cos of how vulnerable it is... i dunno if thats the correct word..

it just comes and goes..

like a leaf on a branch. yes, it can withstand rain and wind and whatnot.. but eventually, when time comes, it falls off on its own.. or the branch becomes a twig..

i have no idea whr this is going.

urgh.

bye world.


will be leaving for awhile..

at 6 in the morning to be exact..

just for a few days.



and when i get back on friday,

everything will be okay.

or so i hope

quick update before i leave the house...

Zouked last sat.. Infected Mushroom! got a spot by the stage abd speakers.. hella good minus the crowd.

got my col done on mon and stayed for the asst competition..

a pic of my puffed up face from sat and afew from mon..






pretty bad angle.. not in my favor.. blah.








ginna won! $900!!!



tata!

why do things get so fucking complicated when you grow up?

watever happened to i like u. u like me. lets be together.

he's out of town now.. which gives me time to think.. nic is trying to talk me out of it whenever she has the chance to..

i'm trying to convince myself as well.. hmm i was doing so well for the past few days until he called.

it takes one phone call from him to get me all thinking again.

he called the night before, last night and this afternoon.. when i was watching zohan with alex.

i dunno wtf i'm doing. this time is different bcos i cant run away like i usually do..

i have my way of dealing with problems.. i ignore. which i'm pretty good at, btw.

but i have so much more to lose if i run away this time.. its not worth it.. and i dun wan to..

think, vanessa.

think.


in the meantime, check out my awesome tv:

and so i bought a tv




Zouked on sat and only had 3hrs of slp before work the next day.

i almost died.

new tv anyone?

i'm so tired of living.

did i mention i might be leaving the world for awhile?

dun really see the need to strive.. why make myself suffer and go through all this stress? waking up is a chore.. it always is, but this time its different.. i really need to get my shit together..

depression much?

nah.. i think its just a phase.. i'll get over it..

hopefully.

"I dun mind fighting,
but i can't fight forever.."


happy father's day, dad.

"There is a part in every day
when I lie to myself and say that its okay,
cause if I don't I think I'll go insane,
but the truth is,
I only have myself to blame"








decision made.


i've always had big plans for myself.


i see myself living comfortably in a big house driving my dream car, with my husband and children.. planning on getting a dog too.. a german shepherd for that matter..

get a maid to take care of the house chores.. take a few years off work after giving birth.. and when my children gets old enough for school, i'll pick my child up from sch in the evening after work..

OR

i'll be this successful and happy person doing something i love.. earning tons of moolah.. photography maybe?

still driving my dream car.. but instead of a big house, it'll be this ridiculously priced condo along holland road.. i would get a dog too.. german shepherd of cos.. i'll prolly be staying on my own..

meeting my mum and dad on weeknights cos as a successful photographer, i'll have to work thru the weekends too... have dinner and shop ard with them.. and i'm gonna pay for everything..




one can always dream.. rite?



anyway, i spent 3 hours at kino after gym this afternoon.. searching for the perfect book to waste my time and money on..

ended up buying a regular novel and a book for him..

i'm saving up for a tv btw..

night now.

i really need to make decisions.

was watching tv awhile ago.. this 26yr old girl owns a condo and a convertible and plans on buying a yacht..

gosh i'm alr 21.

i dun even noe whr i'm gg.. i do have 2 choices now.. leave next yr or start the course now.. well, not exactly now.. but this yr..

the cost for both is abt $12k-$13k.. so i really have to choose one.. 8mths or a year..

thank god mum's supportive.. but she's worried i might give up halfway... which i usually do..

=(

i havent been online for days......

went out for dinner with fren on thurs night.. first we walked over to far east, checked out his fren's new shop.. took a bus to my boss's place at Jervois to get his car den had dinner.

i cant rmb wat happened on fri.. prolly nth..

on sat, went over to lucas's chalet over at east coast after work.. it was really last min... reached around 11 and got home at 4am.. would've stayed over but the bed was far too dirty..

oh and i permed my hair tdy.





yay.




just when everything is gg SODAMNBLOODYWELL.. thigns happen and i have to make decisions. dammit.

am suppose to blog.

Janna's surprise bday party last night at Ming's place..

oh and i totally forget to mention bout Pauline's gg away party at Dempsey's Angel's Share last tues.. yup drank again.. not gd, not gd.

been trying very hard to keep alcohol out of sight..

anyhoo.. i'm halfway through telling nic bout wat happened at work last night.

fren got jealous and angry cos a fren came to look for me at work. tried to avoid fren but coincidentally met fren on escalator while walking/talking to fren.

got damn awkward and didnt noe wat to do. fren continued walking while i talked to fren but dunno if i shld follow fren or keep talking. when i turned to look, fren was waiting for me.. looking very mad.

walked up with fren and fren was behind. talked abit more den fren left.

fren sent me a msg after saying he's sorry but he felt furious and frustrated, almost went over to punch him.


dun get it?


good.




i'm thinking if i should make peanut butter cookies later on today.. with peanut butter m&m's.. which are bloody gooood

cant blog.

cant think.

lots happening.

bye.

last night a fren picked me up for supper with his frens over at al-azhar, bt timah, at 2 in the morning..

talked the night away at mt faber after and only got home at 6am? cant rmb.

there's so so much that i wanna write here..

but i cant.. first of all, nic would slap kill me.. cos after saying that, she knows who fren is..

but u see, the agreement was 19th May. so i'm still safe.

AND if u really love me.. u wont judge me =D





like my facebook status, which i updated 7mins ago, i feel almost like my old self..

in every single way.

be it '06 or '07.